afterwards...
on opposite sides.
She was looking at the wall. I was looking at the sink.
I kept wanting to be concerned about what was going through her mind, but everything in my upbringing screamed so loudly in my ear.
"What have you done?!"
"Boy you in trouble now!"
"Ima ttttteeellllllll!"
"You gonna git it!"
Why was I back in my childhood?
But through all of this,
God was silent.
I knew what I was doing. I turned heaven's volume down. Who am I kidding? I put Jesus on mute.
"I put Jesus on mute," I think I said aloud.
She was lost in her own thoughts.
I tried to think about the fleshly pleasures so recently experienced, but the three man gang of Grief, Guilt and Fear, leaned on me like the oppressing heat of the Saharan sun.
Grief reminded me that I was not who I thought I was nor who I claimed to be. He caused me to mourn the loss of my character and integrity. Said he talked to God and that He was hurt. I knew Grief was lying...and telling the truth. He convinced me that I no longer deserved life so I gave my joy to him.
Guilt went to work on my heart, causing it to thud sickly in my chest. "You're always telling other people how to live their lives, always giving advice on how to straighten up and fly right. Now you're just like the rest. Hypocrite!" The word stung like a slap in the face with a cold hand. He stabbed my mind with the knife of unworthiness, the ice pick of unrighteousness, and dug into my anemic heart with the dull jagged spoon of uncleaness. He convinced me that I was no longer worthy so I gave my confidence to him.
Fear said nothing at all, but settled in my stomach like a hot metallic ball of grease that would not allow itself to be vomited out...but made me wretch over and over. He fed the thoughts of panic about discovery and started a forest fire of humiliation and embarassment. My whole body trembled at the thought of what could be... because of what was. Without lifting my eyes, I reached deep inwardly and placed my security into his hands.
And there I sat as they circled around me, whispering to me, taunting me, assuring me that they were going nowhere.
Still there I sat, ready to be poured out onto the floor.
No form.
No substance.
No more.
Then the phone rang.
Out of habit, I picked it up, connected the call and said,
"H'lo?"
"Hi Honey! Dinner will be ready when you get home and don't forget you're taking the kids to bible study tonight, 'kay?"
"O'kay"
James 1:14, 15
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
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8 comments:
Sojourner G - this is the perfect poem for this time of year filled with desires leading to grief, guilt and fear. Powerful!
WOW, This poem un-nerved me to my bone. Not because of its relevance--I have been faitful to my vows. It un-nerves me because it speaks to situations and not the overall spirit and character of a person. It is the moments that define us. It is the moments that make us big or small.
It is a Beautiful poem.
Wow. Very powerful. At seminary, someone spoke about a survey done on pastors who had fallen into this kind of sin. One common point was, they all thought "it will never happen to me." But I realize, there but for the grace of God go I (and you too, if your're wise and honest).
That is why I think it is so important to be connected in a local church with real people in real relationships. We can easily make things compartmentalized and impersonal, even church and the things of God. So often, for many people, it goes like this: We show up for church, and we leave. We can never have a conversation with the pastor. We don't have any real friends at church. But it doesn't have to be that way.
i LOVE this one G!
SG! Wow! That was serious. I can feel everything in the moments leading up to the phone call and when the speaker says that he "connected" with the call, I knew that he had been operating on autopilot after the event and was in the process of finding himself at the wheel again so to speak. Man, technically I am a heathen but I study religion and faith and every time I read something of yours I actually can see the connection between the book and practical life...great work!
@BD-As always, thanks for the opportunity to share. It is a ministry.
@lovebabz-What an insightful thought. There are so many ways to look at a situation like this. Since there are no perfect people, I subscribe to the "stumble" view myself. The hope is that there is an education involved and that the stumbler will get back up and keep moving forward, wary of stumbling blocks. Thanks for your comment.
@Orchard-I wholeheartedly agree. Reminds me of a book I once read called "Dating the Church." Thanks for your comment.
@Fem-For a self and often professed "pagan" and "heathen" you have an excellent grasp of what I consider truth. Clearly your studies give you an understanding if not a belief.
Interestingly enough, I write these pieces the way I do for the exact reason you stated. To those that have not taken the serious time to dig into it, THE BOOK can seem unfathomable at best and irrelevant at worst. I try to put its lessons in words and situations with which we can all identify and point readers to the source. (You found me out [sneaky Christian poets] LOL)
One day, I'd love to chat with you.
As always, thanks for your kind words.
Those three personas haunt my life, o Lord, sometimes I jsut want to choke the grief & guilt out of me. Fear, I can handle.
This may be a wee bit obvious, but this post was about Adultery, right?
All I can say is WOW. Everyone hear has voiced what I wanted to say.
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