Thursday, February 5, 2009

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

After the "Love"

So there we sat on the edge of the bed...
on opposite sides.

She was looking at the wall. I was looking at the sink.

I kept wanting to be concerned about what was going through her mind, but everything in my upbringing screamed so loudly in my ear.

"What have you done?!"
"Boy you in trouble now!"
"Ima ttttteeellllllll!"
"You gonna git it!"

Why was I back in my childhood?

But through all of this,

God was silent.

I knew what I was doing. I turned heaven's volume down. Who am I kidding? I put Jesus on mute.

"I put Jesus on mute," I think I said aloud.

She was lost in her own thoughts.

I tried to think about the fleshly pleasures so recently experienced, but the three man gang of Grief, Guilt and Fear, leaned on me like the oppressing heat of the Saharan sun.

Grief reminded me that I was not who I thought I was nor who I claimed to be. He caused me to mourn the loss of my character and integrity. Said he talked to God and that He was hurt. I knew Grief was lying...and telling the truth. He convinced me that I no longer deserved life so I gave my joy to him.

Guilt went to work on my heart, causing it to thud sickly in my chest. "You're always telling other people how to live their lives, always giving advice on how to straighten up and fly right. Now you're just like the rest. Hypocrite!" The words stung like a slap in the face with a cold hand. He stabbed my mind with the knife of unworthiness, the ice pick of unrighteousness, and dug into my anemic heart with the dull jagged spoon of uncleanness. He convinced me that I was no longer worthy so I gave my confidence to him.

Fear said nothing at all, but settled in my stomach like a hot metallic ball of grease that would not allow itself to be vomited out...but made me wretch over and over. He fed the thoughts of panic about discovery and started a forest fire of humiliation and embarrassment. My whole body trembled at the thought of what could be... because of what was. Without lifting my eyes, I reached deep inwardly and placed my security into her hands.

And there I sat as they circled around me, whispering to me, taunting me, assuring me that they were going nowhere.

Still there I sat, ready to be poured out onto the floor.
No form.
No substance.
No more.

Then the phone rang.

Out of habit, I picked it up, connected the call and said,

"Hi Honey! Dinner will be ready when you get home and don't forget you're taking the kids to bible study tonight, 'kay?"


James 1:14, 15

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