Thursday, December 20, 2007

Love

I make my home in the depths of sorrow.

There, at the end of the hall is an open doorway,
beckoning me to run out into the cool sunshiny breeze
to smell the fresh grass and commune with the puffy clouds.
But here I stand, flat footed and immobilized
like a poor pooch chained to a burning building…
unable to move forward, but free to move back.
My shackles, chains and key less bonds are internal…and they hold fast.

I strain in vain.

It’s so dark in here.

Down the opposite hall are raging storms
birthed by angry and overbearing black cumulonimbus dread,
spitting torrents of recycled ancient acid.
They bring with them deafening Father thunder
who rages
as he announces the soul splitting actions of Mother lightning,
illuminating just enough to glimpse the horror left wherever she strikes.

Steaming stench.
Putrid decay.
Hot death.

Every now and then the sun burns through, giving false hopes that I can stay
here,
inside,
and grow my own forest,
in peace.

But only storms live in this place…
down that hall.

Every time I chase the sun back down
that hall,
the first family of destruction and despair come back…
even stronger than before…
and get between me
and the door.

Burning me.
Tearing me.
Reaching into me
and pillaging me.

Hope has become
false hope has become
no hope has become
prison,

the worse prison of all,
the one you can leave

but won’t.



Psa 30:5


©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved

10 comments:

Mizrepresent said...

This is yet another brilliant rendition of prose and truth. It is indeed the worst prison of all, the one we confine ourselves to...i'm hoping...no, i will do better.

Femigog said...

Forgive the length of this response.
Ya know, I used to be close to someone who's mantra was the speakers first sentence. It was like his introduction to any and all new situations. I would see him and want to save him. I would constantly try to lighten his load and everytime he would refute any argument that was counter to his incarceration. One day I noticed that I didnt love him anymore. I resented him. I think I may have hated him for a time.
All I could wonder was "why? Why can't you JUST fight!? Why do you just get to check out? We all have debts, we have a shared debt as a people. We pay it and we are richer." He laughed at the idea that there was an "after" for us when we have setbacks. He adored his pain and I abhored him for it.
I left him behind in that mental shanty he would not let fall. Everyone else had forgiven him, he just had not forgiven himself and so he remained his own warden. This poem brought up the emotions I felt for this person and reminds me that I too have felt what the speaker feels and have held myself captive just as my friend had done.
I knew the verse without looking it up. Even the Great Deity gives "do-overs" (forgive the lack of eloquence). I hadn't thought about this verse in a while. Thank you.

lea78 said...

like a poor pooch chained to a burning building…
unable to move forward, but free to move back.
My shackles, chains and key less bonds are internal…and they hold fast.
-----------------------------------Man when u got to this part I had tears in my eyes. You want to go, you know you should, but for some reason you stay there, in the fire. burning the hell out of yourself. feeling as if that person has a hold on you, but their arms were never really holding you, you could walk away at anytime but you just don't. Damn I hate that feeling

Lovebabz said...

I lived this poem-- was working very hard to condem myself--truly believing that I had no right at redemption, kindness or love. Thank God I am so far away from this poem...now. I happily and willingly and confidently step into the sun. This poem is just the sort of mind-jarring thing one needs as we come upon the new year. Your words are getting under my skin; I am grateful that I can feel them.

Lovebabz said...

And one other thing...this is not LOVE. Often we think this type of torture is love. But really it is the opposite of love... it is FEAR.

BloggersDelight said...

Powerful! Thankfully, joy does come in the morning.

Sojourner G said...

@Miz-It is indeed a terrible place to be. It is a place that robs confidence, steals joy, thieves well being, and too often causes one to go "further down the hall" to lessen the pain, thereby worsening it.

@Fem-It seems that there is a part of all of us that, given the circumstance, tends to wallow in self pity and give in to despair. It's unfortunate. We all go through difficult times in life. Even in a life that claims to be a bed of roses, there are thorns. I believe those thorns are meant for us to overcome, driving us up toward the fragrant petals, rather than keeping us down and piercing us. Once we have overcome, we know the GPS location of those particular thorns and should avoid them assiduosly, while helping our fellow human beings avoid them (even though most end up sticking their own hand in the flames to find out fire burns, refusing to learn the lessons of others).

To live this way is a miserable existence chosen, not inflicted. And that's what this all comes down to: CHOICE
(seems that I'm as chatty as you LOL)

@Lea-Our hearts and minds get us into some interesting predicaments. This peace can be looked at from a myriad of points of view. It could be just dealing with depression. Or it could be a bad marriage. So my advice in view of what this piece says(when sought) would depend on the circumstance. In general however, if a person can't leave an environment, every attempt should be made to change the enviroment. For example, if a person is unhappy in their marriage, one should first self examine...honestly and sincerely to see how much of the problem is within them. The other person should be ecouraged to do the same. Communication is key. Counseling is another treatment. In the example, a person would stay in the bounds and bonds of marriage but change the enviroment (down the hall) to something healthier and happier (thereby planting forests of strong trees that provide food fuel and shelter).

@Lovebabz-Thank God for your redemption song. Emmancipation is a beautiful thing. Hopefully, once freed, we will never allow ourselves to be incarcerated (literally or figuratively) again.

As for the title, you are so right. The Love should be in quotes. It is a muddy reflection of a beautiful truth. It is for the love of someone or the lack of love for self that we often allow ourselves to be placed in such a prison. It is because of what we perceive as love that we sometimes stay. Hopefully...ultimately...it is TRUE LOVE that sets us free.

@BD-Thankfully!

Don said...

G, you my friend, are a bad man. No doubt.

And perfect ending, at that.

MysTery said...

Nice piece!

Sojourner G said...

@Don-As always, thank you sir.

@Mystery-You are too kind. Thanks!