So there we sat on the edge of the bed...
afterwards...
on opposite sides.
She was looking at the wall. I was looking at the sink.
I kept wanting to be concerned about what was going through her mind, but everything in my upbringing screamed so loudly in my ear.
"What have you done?!"
"Boy you in trouble now!"
"Ima ttttteeellllllll!"
"You gonna git it!"
Why was I back in my childhood?
But through all of this,
God was silent.
I knew what I was doing. I turned heaven's volume down. Who am I kidding? I put Jesus on mute.
"I put Jesus on mute," I think I said aloud.
She was lost in her own thoughts.
I tried to think about the fleshly pleasures so recently experienced, but the three man gang of Grief, Guilt and Fear, leaned on me like the oppressing heat of the Saharan sun.
Grief reminded me that I was not who I thought I was nor who I claimed to be. He caused me to mourn the loss of my character and integrity. Said he talked to God and that He was hurt. I knew Grief was lying...and telling the truth. He convinced me that I no longer deserved life so I gave my joy to him.
Guilt went to work on my heart, causing it to thud sickly in my chest. "You're always telling other people how to live their lives, always giving advice on how to straighten up and fly right. Now you're just like the rest. Hypocrite!" The words stung like a slap in the face with a cold hand. He stabbed my mind with the knife of unworthiness, the ice pick of unrighteousness, and dug into my anemic heart with the dull jagged spoon of uncleanness. He convinced me that I was no longer worthy so I gave my confidence to him.
Fear said nothing at all, but settled in my stomach like a hot metallic ball of grease that would not allow itself to be vomited out...but made me wretch over and over. He fed the thoughts of panic about discovery and started a forest fire of humiliation and embarrassment. My whole body trembled at the thought of what could be... because of what was. Without lifting my eyes, I reached deep inwardly and placed my security into her hands.
And there I sat as they circled around me, whispering to me, taunting me, assuring me that they were going nowhere.
Still there I sat, ready to be poured out onto the floor.
No form.
No substance.
No more.
Then the phone rang.
Out of habit, I picked it up, connected the call and said,
"H'lo?"
"Hi Honey! Dinner will be ready when you get home and don't forget you're taking the kids to bible study tonight, 'kay?"
"O'kay."
James 1:14, 15
© SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Showing posts with label SG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SG. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, December 1, 2008
Black Widow
by Queen of My Castle and Sojourner G
The vacuum of her beauty
Sucked out my very breath
I found myself immobilized
Nearly choking on my own heart
I inhale your spirit
And exhale insatiable yearning
Bewitched by the flawlessness of my strut
Malevolence slyly clutches your heart
My knees began to buckle
Driving me to the floor
Manhood has deserted me
Contemplating crawling to her feet
Behind these lusty eyes lies a spirit of perversion
Driving you to your knees
And into my ample rich bosom
The heart of the abyss
Which bank accounts can I empty
Which keys can I put in her hands
How much soul do I have left inside of me
Can I be "Mr. Whoeversheis"
With bankrupt emotions
Lost keys to dreams
And no soul left
You've unwittingly become "Mr. WhoeverIam"
I can hardly wrap my mind around
The perfection she defines
Conforming to every fantasy
Creating more yet unimagined
These full pouty lips
Spew true lies
A master of disguise
I'll be who you want me to be
My heart swells with joy
As she passionately receives me
Signing over the deed to my existence
For one moment to claim her as mine
Marvelled are you by my curves
As I welcome you inside
While you bask in my warmth
I knit your soul to mine
Consumed I am by her power
Lost in my own reverie
I realize too late
That Venus is a fly trap
I have no mercy as you grasp at love
Trapped in my web of deceit
I place a venomous kiss of trickery upon your lips
And trot off to the next lame
Prov 5:1-5
©SojournerG & Queen of My Castle 2008 All rights reserved
The vacuum of her beauty
Sucked out my very breath
I found myself immobilized
Nearly choking on my own heart
I inhale your spirit
And exhale insatiable yearning
Bewitched by the flawlessness of my strut
Malevolence slyly clutches your heart
My knees began to buckle
Driving me to the floor
Manhood has deserted me
Contemplating crawling to her feet
Behind these lusty eyes lies a spirit of perversion
Driving you to your knees
And into my ample rich bosom
The heart of the abyss
Which bank accounts can I empty
Which keys can I put in her hands
How much soul do I have left inside of me
Can I be "Mr. Whoeversheis"
With bankrupt emotions
Lost keys to dreams
And no soul left
You've unwittingly become "Mr. WhoeverIam"
I can hardly wrap my mind around
The perfection she defines
Conforming to every fantasy
Creating more yet unimagined
These full pouty lips
Spew true lies
A master of disguise
I'll be who you want me to be
My heart swells with joy
As she passionately receives me
Signing over the deed to my existence
For one moment to claim her as mine
Marvelled are you by my curves
As I welcome you inside
While you bask in my warmth
I knit your soul to mine
Consumed I am by her power
Lost in my own reverie
I realize too late
That Venus is a fly trap
I have no mercy as you grasp at love
Trapped in my web of deceit
I place a venomous kiss of trickery upon your lips
And trot off to the next lame
Prov 5:1-5
©SojournerG & Queen of My Castle 2008 All rights reserved
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Episode 12-"Restraint"
"Chanelle." I repeated with tightly controlled exasperation.
She stared at me with a stirring look of pleading and confidence. I was really trying to redirect her but that look made it hard. All men want their women vulnerably aggressive. She turned, glided into the fire lit boudoir and disappeared into a door in the back of the room.
"Dammit!"
As I stood there contemplating my next move, my mind raced with colliding pasts, presents and futures. Reality is highly subjective and a matter of the point of view of the person experiencing it. Clearly Channel and I were experiencing different realities. Mine was extremely difficult at the moment and hers was about to be.
Lost in thought as I stood gazing at the gently falling dusk, it was her scent that guided me out of my reverie. As I swiveled my head to look over my right shoulder, my brain began to process the incoming data in one word bytes: hair, eyes, negligee, sheer, voluptuous, stilettos...damn. It was with effort that I closed my betraying mouth, it having fallen open unbeknownst to me.
She smiled furtively as she beckoned me into her sanctuary with one...slow...sexy...forefinger. Hypnotized, I found myself moving toward her against my failing will. The baser part of me shouted down my good sense and reason. When I arrived at what felt amazingly like home, her arms, she began to draw me toward the seemingly hundreds of candles illuminating the turned down bed of heaven she had prepared.
Just as we were about to cross the threshold, an insurrection started with my feet; they stopped moving. My awakened manhood retreated from his urgency understanding that this was neither his day nor his time. My mind made it unanimous by sending a hand to the door jamb to both establish a barrier and steady the body from the coup that just took place between lust and reason...past and future.
"Chanelle. Let's talk," I said with a mixture of resignation and resolve.
Fear crept into her eyes, but she powered through it, saying, "Come with me baby. I have something for you."
"Let's talk," I said quietly as I looked into her eyes.
It's as if that was a cue that they needed watering. The tears begin to ring the lower lid of her eyes, reflecting the dance of the candle flames.
I led her to the over stuffed couch and held her hand as we sat and semi faced one another.
“Chanelle...honey, what are you doing?”
“Miles I wanted to feel close to you again, it’s been a long time.”
“Yes it has...a VERY long time. But honey all of this is so...sudden.”
“I know it’s sudden but it wasn't my initial thought process when I planned this trip with you…for you, for us,” she said quietly.
“From the looks of that bedroom, not to mention your very sexy lingerie, it seems that you definitely had some things on your mind,” I offered evenly.
“Yes, I admit once you called me back to say you would come with me I made all of these arrangements. I wanted this time to be special, to mean something.” Then she smiled as she arched her back and placed a hand in her tightly waved coif, striking a vogue pose. ”I know your favorite color is black,” she fetchingly hissed as she forced my gaze through the gauze like material. “My memory is golden.”
“Easy big fella,” I mentally chided myself.
“What’s stopping you baby? Time was when all I had to do was yawn and you were all over me,” she wondered earnestly. “What’s your hesitancy?”
“But Chanelle, there is so much unresolved between us. What you've done here is nice...very nice, unbelievably nice. I don't know if it's worth it to even go back into "us" but honey we've not spoken a word in years. You left without so much as a note and I was left to pick up all of the pieces...alone. There was NEVER any closure with that," I said compassionately. “You went on to get married and have a family and after a while I was glad for you. I was proud of what you accomplished with your business and that you had the loving husband you always wanted me to be. I regret, more than you know, that we didn't walk that road together. I regret that I didn’t understand better; that I didn’t fight harder. Babe I just didn’t see.”
Ghostly emotion began its journey from the dark padlocked box in the depths of my psyche, to the surface of my consciousness.
“My heart aches for what you're going through and I'll always be here for you because I'll always love you but this is too much too soon for both of us and doesn't even take into consideration that though you were traumatized, you're still married,” I offered in emotion defeating logic.
Channel subconsciously pulled the throw on the couch around her, covering herself. “I got tired Miles. I wanted easy. I didn't want to fight for your attention anymore. Now I'm embarrassed and humiliated again.” she achingly choked, as she pulled the throw even closer around her neck. “I'm sorry,” she said as she attempted to rise. “Let me change my clothes and we can talk."
The tears that merely moistened her eyes before formed pools that began to overflow and slide down her perfect skin.
“Sweetie, stay right here,” I said as I gently restrained her by hugging her shoulders. She resisted at first and then collapsed her full weight onto me as her crushing agony overwhelmed her.
“You have no idea what I’ve been through. You can’t know what it’s like to be rejected by your husband in favor of another man. You don’t know what it’s like to have to go and get an HIV test, to cry every night, to wonder if it’s your fault, to be utterly alone in the world,” she screamed hysterically. “And now this!” She sobbed.
“This is just too much,” she whimpered, as her hitching, childlike convulsions shook us both.
“Babe, it's not rejection, it's redirection. Sex with me is not what you need right now. Healing is what you need,” I offered with all the compassion at my disposal.
The couch soaked up our combined woes and worries as we drifted off to sleep there.
Prov 16:20
Shout out to my "Pahtnah" Miz Represent
She stared at me with a stirring look of pleading and confidence. I was really trying to redirect her but that look made it hard. All men want their women vulnerably aggressive. She turned, glided into the fire lit boudoir and disappeared into a door in the back of the room.
"Dammit!"
As I stood there contemplating my next move, my mind raced with colliding pasts, presents and futures. Reality is highly subjective and a matter of the point of view of the person experiencing it. Clearly Channel and I were experiencing different realities. Mine was extremely difficult at the moment and hers was about to be.
Lost in thought as I stood gazing at the gently falling dusk, it was her scent that guided me out of my reverie. As I swiveled my head to look over my right shoulder, my brain began to process the incoming data in one word bytes: hair, eyes, negligee, sheer, voluptuous, stilettos...damn. It was with effort that I closed my betraying mouth, it having fallen open unbeknownst to me.
She smiled furtively as she beckoned me into her sanctuary with one...slow...sexy...forefinger. Hypnotized, I found myself moving toward her against my failing will. The baser part of me shouted down my good sense and reason. When I arrived at what felt amazingly like home, her arms, she began to draw me toward the seemingly hundreds of candles illuminating the turned down bed of heaven she had prepared.
Just as we were about to cross the threshold, an insurrection started with my feet; they stopped moving. My awakened manhood retreated from his urgency understanding that this was neither his day nor his time. My mind made it unanimous by sending a hand to the door jamb to both establish a barrier and steady the body from the coup that just took place between lust and reason...past and future.
"Chanelle. Let's talk," I said with a mixture of resignation and resolve.
Fear crept into her eyes, but she powered through it, saying, "Come with me baby. I have something for you."
"Let's talk," I said quietly as I looked into her eyes.
It's as if that was a cue that they needed watering. The tears begin to ring the lower lid of her eyes, reflecting the dance of the candle flames.
I led her to the over stuffed couch and held her hand as we sat and semi faced one another.
“Chanelle...honey, what are you doing?”
“Miles I wanted to feel close to you again, it’s been a long time.”
“Yes it has...a VERY long time. But honey all of this is so...sudden.”
“I know it’s sudden but it wasn't my initial thought process when I planned this trip with you…for you, for us,” she said quietly.
“From the looks of that bedroom, not to mention your very sexy lingerie, it seems that you definitely had some things on your mind,” I offered evenly.
“Yes, I admit once you called me back to say you would come with me I made all of these arrangements. I wanted this time to be special, to mean something.” Then she smiled as she arched her back and placed a hand in her tightly waved coif, striking a vogue pose. ”I know your favorite color is black,” she fetchingly hissed as she forced my gaze through the gauze like material. “My memory is golden.”
“Easy big fella,” I mentally chided myself.
“What’s stopping you baby? Time was when all I had to do was yawn and you were all over me,” she wondered earnestly. “What’s your hesitancy?”
“But Chanelle, there is so much unresolved between us. What you've done here is nice...very nice, unbelievably nice. I don't know if it's worth it to even go back into "us" but honey we've not spoken a word in years. You left without so much as a note and I was left to pick up all of the pieces...alone. There was NEVER any closure with that," I said compassionately. “You went on to get married and have a family and after a while I was glad for you. I was proud of what you accomplished with your business and that you had the loving husband you always wanted me to be. I regret, more than you know, that we didn't walk that road together. I regret that I didn’t understand better; that I didn’t fight harder. Babe I just didn’t see.”
Ghostly emotion began its journey from the dark padlocked box in the depths of my psyche, to the surface of my consciousness.
“My heart aches for what you're going through and I'll always be here for you because I'll always love you but this is too much too soon for both of us and doesn't even take into consideration that though you were traumatized, you're still married,” I offered in emotion defeating logic.
Channel subconsciously pulled the throw on the couch around her, covering herself. “I got tired Miles. I wanted easy. I didn't want to fight for your attention anymore. Now I'm embarrassed and humiliated again.” she achingly choked, as she pulled the throw even closer around her neck. “I'm sorry,” she said as she attempted to rise. “Let me change my clothes and we can talk."
The tears that merely moistened her eyes before formed pools that began to overflow and slide down her perfect skin.
“Sweetie, stay right here,” I said as I gently restrained her by hugging her shoulders. She resisted at first and then collapsed her full weight onto me as her crushing agony overwhelmed her.
“You have no idea what I’ve been through. You can’t know what it’s like to be rejected by your husband in favor of another man. You don’t know what it’s like to have to go and get an HIV test, to cry every night, to wonder if it’s your fault, to be utterly alone in the world,” she screamed hysterically. “And now this!” She sobbed.
“This is just too much,” she whimpered, as her hitching, childlike convulsions shook us both.
“Babe, it's not rejection, it's redirection. Sex with me is not what you need right now. Healing is what you need,” I offered with all the compassion at my disposal.
The couch soaked up our combined woes and worries as we drifted off to sleep there.
Prov 16:20
Shout out to my "Pahtnah" Miz Represent
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Entre'e
I knew I was in trouble, early on. Maybe it was the way she responded to me with her fingers. I imagined metallic brick red tipped digits lightly, but nimbly and adeptly typing the words, “my liege, my humble frontiersman on this hunt for literary perfection, for spiritual gravity. You're seated at the right hand” or “Much, much luv!”, or greater still, “Uh, you collapse me! YOU BETTA WRITE!” Those words alone had me on my knees searching for my breath.
I’ve always been a sucker for a woman that first, has an interest in me and second, knows the right thing to say at the right time in the right way. It’s not just about the words. It takes the words though. That’s the cover charge. That’s the ante. But then she’s got to: start at zero, turn one click to the left, spin the dial back to the right four clicks, then back left and stop on three, the combination to my soul. This woman was a heartsafe crackin’ cat burglar, deftly breaking into me, stealing my mind and taking it back to her place where she plunders my being. Damn. I’m suing the security company.
I was fascinated with her from the start. It was as if I were the literary Magic Johnson seeing Byrd for the first time. Friend or foe? I didn’t know but she had mad mad game and Respect rudely pushed its way in front of Wonder and Envy to get a courtside seat.
I had to physically close my mouth after three paragraphs of her genius wafted off the screen, encircled my head like smoke and soaked into my ashy existence like cocoa butter. She revitalized me and didn’t even know I was on the planet. “Who is this new kid on the block?” Scratch that, who is this literary goddess that has descended from Mt. Olympus without warning or fanfare that has shown up…and just written?
I paid my proper respects. “Girl where did you come from?!?! This is genius!” Then I moved on…or so I thought. There are a lot of good writers out there. Lots. I don’t vibe with them all though. There are great artist that sing country music. I don’t listen to it. But something about her stayed in the back of my mind.
Soon she was showing up at my spot, dropping props and terms of endearment. The goddess butterfly has come to light on my particular petal? And I’m “baby?” Houston, we have a problem! My appetite for her every word went diesel. The emails began, the exchanges increased. She seemed to be feeling me. I was definitely feeling her. Her every word tasted like sweetened condensed milk and I wanted to taste them over and over again. What is this gift wrapped in an invisible bow? What does she look like? What does she sound like? Do I even want to know? Because when I fall, I fall hard…and too fast for my own good. Why is she taking so damn long to email me back?!
We exchanged cyber glances and blog rib pokes. She smelled so kilobyte good. Every keystroke sent shockwaves through my world and I began to fall…
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
I’ve always been a sucker for a woman that first, has an interest in me and second, knows the right thing to say at the right time in the right way. It’s not just about the words. It takes the words though. That’s the cover charge. That’s the ante. But then she’s got to: start at zero, turn one click to the left, spin the dial back to the right four clicks, then back left and stop on three, the combination to my soul. This woman was a heartsafe crackin’ cat burglar, deftly breaking into me, stealing my mind and taking it back to her place where she plunders my being. Damn. I’m suing the security company.
I was fascinated with her from the start. It was as if I were the literary Magic Johnson seeing Byrd for the first time. Friend or foe? I didn’t know but she had mad mad game and Respect rudely pushed its way in front of Wonder and Envy to get a courtside seat.
I had to physically close my mouth after three paragraphs of her genius wafted off the screen, encircled my head like smoke and soaked into my ashy existence like cocoa butter. She revitalized me and didn’t even know I was on the planet. “Who is this new kid on the block?” Scratch that, who is this literary goddess that has descended from Mt. Olympus without warning or fanfare that has shown up…and just written?
I paid my proper respects. “Girl where did you come from?!?! This is genius!” Then I moved on…or so I thought. There are a lot of good writers out there. Lots. I don’t vibe with them all though. There are great artist that sing country music. I don’t listen to it. But something about her stayed in the back of my mind.
Soon she was showing up at my spot, dropping props and terms of endearment. The goddess butterfly has come to light on my particular petal? And I’m “baby?” Houston, we have a problem! My appetite for her every word went diesel. The emails began, the exchanges increased. She seemed to be feeling me. I was definitely feeling her. Her every word tasted like sweetened condensed milk and I wanted to taste them over and over again. What is this gift wrapped in an invisible bow? What does she look like? What does she sound like? Do I even want to know? Because when I fall, I fall hard…and too fast for my own good. Why is she taking so damn long to email me back?!
We exchanged cyber glances and blog rib pokes. She smelled so kilobyte good. Every keystroke sent shockwaves through my world and I began to fall…
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Contemplation
Burdened by being god's gift
to the gender
Romancing ladies
Doing every willing and able
Keepin' game tight
step ahead of them all
especially fat nagging wifey
and her "Bebe's" kids
Cognitive confusion
about past decisions
Creating new present future
from time past lost
Business trip lies
getting groove back
on my terms
with whomever I please
Figuring it all out
schedules, appointments, meetings
with her, her, her
and especially her
Cagey, smart, invincible
Able to see moves ahead
outsmarting life
keeping them all (guessing?) secure
Playing loose with preservation rules
Violating safeties
craving adrenaline dumps
Rubyk's challenges
Trois
Me
fat wifey's sister
sister's best friend
Superbowl
World CupFinals
World Series
Contemplating retirement
The meaning of life worth living
Looking back on it all
Different perspective now
Which is worse
profusely shed tears
the sickening taste of fear
the feel of fat wifey's gun in my mouth?
Prov 16:25
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
to the gender
Romancing ladies
Doing every willing and able
Keepin' game tight
step ahead of them all
especially fat nagging wifey
and her "Bebe's" kids
Cognitive confusion
about past decisions
Creating new present future
from time past lost
Business trip lies
getting groove back
on my terms
with whomever I please
Figuring it all out
schedules, appointments, meetings
with her, her, her
and especially her
Cagey, smart, invincible
Able to see moves ahead
outsmarting life
keeping them all (guessing?) secure
Playing loose with preservation rules
Violating safeties
craving adrenaline dumps
Rubyk's challenges
Trois
Me
fat wifey's sister
sister's best friend
Superbowl
World CupFinals
World Series
Contemplating retirement
The meaning of life worth living
Looking back on it all
Different perspective now
Which is worse
profusely shed tears
the sickening taste of fear
the feel of fat wifey's gun in my mouth?
Prov 16:25
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Again
Hello my familiar Fiend.
It's been awhile since you last darkened my existence.
When you last left me,
I thought it was
forever.
I suspect you've been lurking in the background,
waiting for an opportunity to be resurrected,
to come crashing back into my life,
to suck my soul in great thirsty gulps.
I remember when we first met. You explained the darker realities of love during my youthful adolescence. You took it easy on me then, or maybe I was just naive about what you really represented. Maybe I hadn't experienced enough to realize who and what you were.
"Handle a rose carefully or you might..."
I know now.
And so you've punctuated my life, following every great love like the destruction left in an earthquake's wake,
a plague of biblical proportions raging inside of me
laying waste to me
weeping and gnashing of my internal teeth.
Don't worry. The painful path is familiar:
You greet me every morning, ghoulishly asking, "So...what are we doing today?"
It doesn't matter, because whatever it is, your mere presence messes it up . You deftly remove the concentration on my lifestyle sustaining activities, popping in and out of my mind during meetings, phone calls and emails, spreading despair like fertilizer. Many times, wrestling with you immobilizes me and I just sit there as curious co-workers pass my toilers' domicile with inquisitive looks.
You cover my existence like a wet flannel blanket in summer's heat.
I foolishly long for residential refuge as I leave my business day,as if I could get away,but you are sure to fasten your seat belt on the passenger side of my ride
and adjust the radio to something that you want to dance to
…as you accompany me there.
If the
TV
Movie
Book
Blog
Conversation
is absorbing enough,
I can escape you,but all too briefly.
Sleep...wonderful knownothingfeelnothing sleep is my only real escape. Even when I
lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to keep,
you sit on my shoulder as I toss and turn
and innocently ask, "What's wrong sweetie?"
Soon, you fade into the blackness.
While you're away,
I fly, I mean really soar,
I visit amusement parks, eat cotton candy,
I return to my childhood, riding my bike
or I experience sweet, blissful, nothingness.
But long before I'm ready, you rouse me from your customary perch and let the world come crashing back in.
"It's 3:30 AM Sweetie. So...what are we going to do today?"
Good morning Heartache.
Psalms 34:18, 147:3
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
It's been awhile since you last darkened my existence.
When you last left me,
I thought it was
forever.
I suspect you've been lurking in the background,
waiting for an opportunity to be resurrected,
to come crashing back into my life,
to suck my soul in great thirsty gulps.
I remember when we first met. You explained the darker realities of love during my youthful adolescence. You took it easy on me then, or maybe I was just naive about what you really represented. Maybe I hadn't experienced enough to realize who and what you were.
"Handle a rose carefully or you might..."
I know now.
And so you've punctuated my life, following every great love like the destruction left in an earthquake's wake,
a plague of biblical proportions raging inside of me
laying waste to me
weeping and gnashing of my internal teeth.
Don't worry. The painful path is familiar:
You greet me every morning, ghoulishly asking, "So...what are we doing today?"
It doesn't matter, because whatever it is, your mere presence messes it up . You deftly remove the concentration on my lifestyle sustaining activities, popping in and out of my mind during meetings, phone calls and emails, spreading despair like fertilizer. Many times, wrestling with you immobilizes me and I just sit there as curious co-workers pass my toilers' domicile with inquisitive looks.
You cover my existence like a wet flannel blanket in summer's heat.
I foolishly long for residential refuge as I leave my business day,as if I could get away,but you are sure to fasten your seat belt on the passenger side of my ride
and adjust the radio to something that you want to dance to
…as you accompany me there.
If the
TV
Movie
Book
Blog
Conversation
is absorbing enough,
I can escape you,but all too briefly.
Sleep...wonderful knownothingfeelnothing sleep is my only real escape. Even when I
lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to keep,
you sit on my shoulder as I toss and turn
and innocently ask, "What's wrong sweetie?"
Soon, you fade into the blackness.
While you're away,
I fly, I mean really soar,
I visit amusement parks, eat cotton candy,
I return to my childhood, riding my bike
or I experience sweet, blissful, nothingness.
But long before I'm ready, you rouse me from your customary perch and let the world come crashing back in.
"It's 3:30 AM Sweetie. So...what are we going to do today?"
Good morning Heartache.
Psalms 34:18, 147:3
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Monsters
The sun is going down now
And I'm starting to be afraid
It always comes at night
Even when I've obeyed
There's nowhere for me to turn
It says I can't tell anyone
I feel so all alone
There's nowhere for me to run
I don't want to go to school
I don't want to play with friends
Mom is so impatient with me
Why can't she make this end
The monster is so ugly
So big, so very strong
It won't let me cry
It stays with me so long
It always comes at night
Maybe I'm just dreaming
Maybe it's just nightmares
But somehow I'm always bleeding
I want to run away from here
And never ever come back
Sarah has a monster too
Only hers is black
We'll run away together
From the monsters that are bad
We'll go where they can't get us
The monsters that are Dad
Eph 6:4
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Blessings to you BD for hosting such a forum and to you Zay, for bringing awareness to this tragic problem. "Even so, come Lord Jesus" Rev 22:20
And I'm starting to be afraid
It always comes at night
Even when I've obeyed
There's nowhere for me to turn
It says I can't tell anyone
I feel so all alone
There's nowhere for me to run
I don't want to go to school
I don't want to play with friends
Mom is so impatient with me
Why can't she make this end
The monster is so ugly
So big, so very strong
It won't let me cry
It stays with me so long
It always comes at night
Maybe I'm just dreaming
Maybe it's just nightmares
But somehow I'm always bleeding
I want to run away from here
And never ever come back
Sarah has a monster too
Only hers is black
We'll run away together
From the monsters that are bad
We'll go where they can't get us
The monsters that are Dad
Eph 6:4
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Blessings to you BD for hosting such a forum and to you Zay, for bringing awareness to this tragic problem. "Even so, come Lord Jesus" Rev 22:20
Friday, March 28, 2008
Addicts Anonymous
Hello,
It doesn't matter what my name is
I'm just here to admit
That I'm a junkie, a head,
Just a plain old addict
You may wonder how
I got into this mess
After all I've been through
I guess it's time to confess
My desire we'll call Pusher
Made a deal with me
Said "I'll take you to heaven
And I'll do it for free"
At first I resisted
For integrity I seek
But lust showed it's secrets
And I became weak
Pusher cinched up my arm
Told me to tap the main vein
Needle pierced my moral skin
Drug hit my blood like a train
That's how she affected me
And how she got her name
Doesn't matter what they call her
She's Ecstasy, Smoke, Cocaine
She took me to the sky
Showed me every delight
Nothing was out of bounds
Felt so good and so right
Too soon it was over
But she promised me more
I mortgaged all I had
To make one more score
Every chance I got
I took her main line
Snorted, tooted, freebased
Injected till I went blind
I rarely made it home
Was in trouble on the job
Lost perspective on everything
Now an emotional slob
At first just "a thing"
Wanted to see what it was like
So good I became hooked
Now she's ruined my life
Sometime she can't see me
Has a husband at home
Trying to serve God
Needs to leave me alone
But she keeps coming back
Keeps me on a short chain
Every time I try to break
Pusher yanks me back again
It takes more to get less now
I'm on the verge of losing all
Don't know which pain is worse
When she does or doesn't call
So I'm trapped in this loop
Of paranoia and lust
Gotta get back to real life
Just can't seem to adjust
An emotional hostage
To the Pusher I know
I've tried to get away
Just don't know how to let go
So here I stand
Trapped like a caged rabbit
Admitting to the group
That I'm just a "her" addict
James 1:14-15
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
It doesn't matter what my name is
I'm just here to admit
That I'm a junkie, a head,
Just a plain old addict
You may wonder how
I got into this mess
After all I've been through
I guess it's time to confess
My desire we'll call Pusher
Made a deal with me
Said "I'll take you to heaven
And I'll do it for free"
At first I resisted
For integrity I seek
But lust showed it's secrets
And I became weak
Pusher cinched up my arm
Told me to tap the main vein
Needle pierced my moral skin
Drug hit my blood like a train
That's how she affected me
And how she got her name
Doesn't matter what they call her
She's Ecstasy, Smoke, Cocaine
She took me to the sky
Showed me every delight
Nothing was out of bounds
Felt so good and so right
Too soon it was over
But she promised me more
I mortgaged all I had
To make one more score
Every chance I got
I took her main line
Snorted, tooted, freebased
Injected till I went blind
I rarely made it home
Was in trouble on the job
Lost perspective on everything
Now an emotional slob
At first just "a thing"
Wanted to see what it was like
So good I became hooked
Now she's ruined my life
Sometime she can't see me
Has a husband at home
Trying to serve God
Needs to leave me alone
But she keeps coming back
Keeps me on a short chain
Every time I try to break
Pusher yanks me back again
It takes more to get less now
I'm on the verge of losing all
Don't know which pain is worse
When she does or doesn't call
So I'm trapped in this loop
Of paranoia and lust
Gotta get back to real life
Just can't seem to adjust
An emotional hostage
To the Pusher I know
I've tried to get away
Just don't know how to let go
So here I stand
Trapped like a caged rabbit
Admitting to the group
That I'm just a "her" addict
James 1:14-15
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Moment
I hunger for her,
missing the water from the dry well,
sandblasted soul that is me,
created by she,
when she
left me.
The thirst is intense,
the pangs raging.
Only gone for a moment,
but each amplifies the intensity
of the need.
Where are you and why are you so far away from me,
neglecting me,
abandoning me,
devastating me,
leaving feening in me...
my lovely?
Her beauty, seldom seen,
skips my beating heart when my mind
relentlessly
rotates to her.
Thinking of us together,
staring in eyes,
planning lives,
going on drives,
floating in skies…
wishing,
hoping,
dreaming,
loving.
I know I’ll see you soon,
when we are reunited
for a moment in time
as you pass me by
again,
on the corner of Ohio…
and Michigan
1 Cor 13:7
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
missing the water from the dry well,
sandblasted soul that is me,
created by she,
when she
left me.
The thirst is intense,
the pangs raging.
Only gone for a moment,
but each amplifies the intensity
of the need.
Where are you and why are you so far away from me,
neglecting me,
abandoning me,
devastating me,
leaving feening in me...
my lovely?
Her beauty, seldom seen,
skips my beating heart when my mind
relentlessly
rotates to her.
Thinking of us together,
staring in eyes,
planning lives,
going on drives,
floating in skies…
wishing,
hoping,
dreaming,
loving.
I know I’ll see you soon,
when we are reunited
for a moment in time
as you pass me by
again,
on the corner of Ohio…
and Michigan
1 Cor 13:7
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Love Suite II: Comfortable Love
It's all about that COMFORTABLE LOVE
You know, that love that has gotten over it's frantic skittish "can't control myself" love? That running into brick walls gettin' bloodied up and still laughin' love?
No I want that, "let's walk hand in hand" kind of love, where I have every confidence I'm her MAN kind of love.
I want to look deep into her eyes and see my reflection there type of thing, to know that she's gone blind to another brother's overtures, you know what I mean? I want to talk about marriage and children and four-oh-one kays, joint checking accounts, two signatures on mortgages and picking out names. I want to come home in the evening from a hard day's work, smell my favorite dish when I hit the door, cooking, but it's the kids battling each other to hug my legs I can't ignore. And then it's her coming around the corner looking all beautifultired, wearing the biggest smile with my name on it just before her lips morph to a kiss with her heart on it.
Gotta have that peace in my spirit, but that movement in my soul, at just the thought of her while at work, when I'm sittin' on hold. And when the boys want to go golf and you say that it's OK, I tell the brothers, "next time" because it's with my girl I want to stay. You see I just won the lottery of love, Superbowl, World Series, NBA Championship of love. Hands held high in victory, I'm pouring champagne, giving television interviews cause I've got the Golden Ticket of love you see!
I want us to plan a trip together, get on a plane and go anywhere to play. Whether it's beach or Vegas or Rockies great mount, being anyeverywhere with her is what I'm all about. I just want to be in PUBLIC with her so that everyone will know, this brother is happily love's prisoner so scoot, skidaddle, just go.
But it's those quiet moments I'll cherish most, as we cuddle in our bed, the way her fingers absently stroke the back of my head as we watch some really bad movie, you know something like Judge Dredd? Because it really doesn't matter what we do or do not do. It's about being together, "it's about me and you. "
I'll massage her sore shoulders and paint her toenails, wash her hair, do laundry with her so that togetherness never fails. Nothing that she desires of me, will ever be denied. My boys will think I've been whipped, hope they'll learn love's stronger than pride. And she will run my bathwater and ask about my day, tied to each others past, present and future in every imaginable way. She picks me up when I am down, I lift her up as my crown and together there is nothing that we can't do. My heart beats, she is the sound.
And when I lay me down to sleep and beg my soul for Him to keep, it's her I immediately thank Him for as I drift into sleep so deep. Even there she is ever with me, filling reality then dreams, from twilight to day light giving me a reason to wake. Because I don't want to sleep on this love this COMFORTABLE LOVE, but want to run around in it all day. It feels like a favorite pair of jeans, shoes worn in just the right way, it's love that's the end of the search, it's here that I'm committed to stay.
You know, that love that has gotten over it's frantic skittish "can't control myself" love? That running into brick walls gettin' bloodied up and still laughin' love?
No I want that, "let's walk hand in hand" kind of love, where I have every confidence I'm her MAN kind of love.
I want to look deep into her eyes and see my reflection there type of thing, to know that she's gone blind to another brother's overtures, you know what I mean? I want to talk about marriage and children and four-oh-one kays, joint checking accounts, two signatures on mortgages and picking out names. I want to come home in the evening from a hard day's work, smell my favorite dish when I hit the door, cooking, but it's the kids battling each other to hug my legs I can't ignore. And then it's her coming around the corner looking all beautifultired, wearing the biggest smile with my name on it just before her lips morph to a kiss with her heart on it.
Gotta have that peace in my spirit, but that movement in my soul, at just the thought of her while at work, when I'm sittin' on hold. And when the boys want to go golf and you say that it's OK, I tell the brothers, "next time" because it's with my girl I want to stay. You see I just won the lottery of love, Superbowl, World Series, NBA Championship of love. Hands held high in victory, I'm pouring champagne, giving television interviews cause I've got the Golden Ticket of love you see!
I want us to plan a trip together, get on a plane and go anywhere to play. Whether it's beach or Vegas or Rockies great mount, being anyeverywhere with her is what I'm all about. I just want to be in PUBLIC with her so that everyone will know, this brother is happily love's prisoner so scoot, skidaddle, just go.
But it's those quiet moments I'll cherish most, as we cuddle in our bed, the way her fingers absently stroke the back of my head as we watch some really bad movie, you know something like Judge Dredd? Because it really doesn't matter what we do or do not do. It's about being together, "it's about me and you. "
I'll massage her sore shoulders and paint her toenails, wash her hair, do laundry with her so that togetherness never fails. Nothing that she desires of me, will ever be denied. My boys will think I've been whipped, hope they'll learn love's stronger than pride. And she will run my bathwater and ask about my day, tied to each others past, present and future in every imaginable way. She picks me up when I am down, I lift her up as my crown and together there is nothing that we can't do. My heart beats, she is the sound.
And when I lay me down to sleep and beg my soul for Him to keep, it's her I immediately thank Him for as I drift into sleep so deep. Even there she is ever with me, filling reality then dreams, from twilight to day light giving me a reason to wake. Because I don't want to sleep on this love this COMFORTABLE LOVE, but want to run around in it all day. It feels like a favorite pair of jeans, shoes worn in just the right way, it's love that's the end of the search, it's here that I'm committed to stay.
Song of Solomon 7:1-9
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Monday, February 11, 2008
Seasons
Images of the sun slicing it's rays through storm clouds
signaling the dawn of a new day
Birds melodic, bees pollinate, flowers bloom scent, trees reach sky
Life resurrected from soil death, washed clean by heaven's gift
Light bursts forth from within, spirit soaring from joy unspeakable,
but wholly understood from visage countenance, sweaty palms
delivered by your arrival
passion
beauty
need for me
peace mentality
Forecast is optimum...optimistic
The newness of spring blends into summer's maturity
with laughs, giggles, sharing depths and past lives
Flight comes easy, now rehearsed and choreographed,
performed on sky's satin curtain
Others delight in our splendor, unnoticed by us on in a world of two
So free
So young
So strong
Cool breeze does Autumn's browning herald
Thoughts turn to south's sunnier climes
Though we discuss center with smiling eyes,
East holds your yearnings, West calls to me
Carpe Diem holds sway as dance fills nights
Foreboding forbidden, will not long be denied
Still these are the best of times
Snow
in all of its complex beauty, it's unique purity
is still cold,
so cold
As is indecisiveness
As is loneliness
As are yesterday's memories and Eastern thoughts
of winter's southern summer
Spring will never come again
Ecc 3:1-8
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
signaling the dawn of a new day
Birds melodic, bees pollinate, flowers bloom scent, trees reach sky
Life resurrected from soil death, washed clean by heaven's gift
Light bursts forth from within, spirit soaring from joy unspeakable,
but wholly understood from visage countenance, sweaty palms
delivered by your arrival
passion
beauty
need for me
peace mentality
Forecast is optimum...optimistic
The newness of spring blends into summer's maturity
with laughs, giggles, sharing depths and past lives
Flight comes easy, now rehearsed and choreographed,
performed on sky's satin curtain
Others delight in our splendor, unnoticed by us on in a world of two
So free
So young
So strong
Cool breeze does Autumn's browning herald
Thoughts turn to south's sunnier climes
Though we discuss center with smiling eyes,
East holds your yearnings, West calls to me
Carpe Diem holds sway as dance fills nights
Foreboding forbidden, will not long be denied
Still these are the best of times
Snow
in all of its complex beauty, it's unique purity
is still cold,
so cold
As is indecisiveness
As is loneliness
As are yesterday's memories and Eastern thoughts
of winter's southern summer
Spring will never come again
Ecc 3:1-8
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The Call
And there I stood.
Your words blew threw me like the wind through the broadside of an old barn.
You reached into my chest, pulled out my heart, dropped it on the ground and stepped on it on your way out our door.
And I
Was poured out
Like water on to sand.
He was your new thing, had a Bavarian machine and a few diamond rings.
You told me how much bigger and better he was than me and how he
fulfilled you.
Our happy home was boring and you were too young to be tied down to one tired old dude.
So you were off to see the wizard. Get your kicks on Route 66.
Your exit opened the door to hell.
Flames of pain licked and taunted me with the barbs of your laughter and your words.
My fleshed burned from inside out as a result of the nuclear wasteland you left inside of me.
Fallout.
Radioactive.
Vaporizing tears as they crept out of ducts,
Denying me the smallest, most basic release.
Sleep no longer claimed it knew me, abandoning me as if I had betrayed its deepest secret.
Appetite joined the exodus, depositing lost pounds in the toilet love had become.
Agony moved in and made itself comfortable, bringing friends and relatives of heartache, despair,
Sorrows and no-cares.
And something within me, deep within me, bent, broke and ever so slowly, slowly,
Died.
So there I existed rather than lived, decomposing into putrefaction,
Shunned by the world.
Didn't notice.
Didn't care.
George Romero my father,
The walking dead.
But in the ash and ruin of Mt. St. Helen
A blade of grass eventually, defiantly, struggles to the surface
and breathes.
The once thought lost main frame
Reboots.
And I,
Regenerate
Because there is something that heals all wounds.
And it is on my side.
The rain falls,
Washing me,
Cleansing me,
Refreshing me,
Renewing me,
And I,
INHALE!
As life slowly grows in me.
It's not my time to die
I realize
And start to live the life given to me,
Surviving the holocaust given to me,
Erasing the red ink deficit of pain,
Investing and saving and growing in me to be free,
Getting back to way past zero.
Having made it through, the burning Saharan sands,
Having had death lick me,
To unbelievably find something tastier elsewhere.
Miracled out of emotional paraplegia,
I rise.
I walk
To the insistent phone
Hear your choked voice
From the other side of midnight
Wanting to come home
He left you,
For a new thing
With a Bavarian machine
And a few diamond rings...
Hosea 2
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Your words blew threw me like the wind through the broadside of an old barn.
You reached into my chest, pulled out my heart, dropped it on the ground and stepped on it on your way out our door.
And I
Was poured out
Like water on to sand.
He was your new thing, had a Bavarian machine and a few diamond rings.
You told me how much bigger and better he was than me and how he
fulfilled you.
Our happy home was boring and you were too young to be tied down to one tired old dude.
So you were off to see the wizard. Get your kicks on Route 66.
Your exit opened the door to hell.
Flames of pain licked and taunted me with the barbs of your laughter and your words.
My fleshed burned from inside out as a result of the nuclear wasteland you left inside of me.
Fallout.
Radioactive.
Vaporizing tears as they crept out of ducts,
Denying me the smallest, most basic release.
Sleep no longer claimed it knew me, abandoning me as if I had betrayed its deepest secret.
Appetite joined the exodus, depositing lost pounds in the toilet love had become.
Agony moved in and made itself comfortable, bringing friends and relatives of heartache, despair,
Sorrows and no-cares.
And something within me, deep within me, bent, broke and ever so slowly, slowly,
Died.
So there I existed rather than lived, decomposing into putrefaction,
Shunned by the world.
Didn't notice.
Didn't care.
George Romero my father,
The walking dead.
But in the ash and ruin of Mt. St. Helen
A blade of grass eventually, defiantly, struggles to the surface
and breathes.
The once thought lost main frame
Reboots.
And I,
Regenerate
Because there is something that heals all wounds.
And it is on my side.
The rain falls,
Washing me,
Cleansing me,
Refreshing me,
Renewing me,
And I,
INHALE!
As life slowly grows in me.
It's not my time to die
I realize
And start to live the life given to me,
Surviving the holocaust given to me,
Erasing the red ink deficit of pain,
Investing and saving and growing in me to be free,
Getting back to way past zero.
Having made it through, the burning Saharan sands,
Having had death lick me,
To unbelievably find something tastier elsewhere.
Miracled out of emotional paraplegia,
I rise.
I walk
To the insistent phone
Hear your choked voice
From the other side of midnight
Wanting to come home
He left you,
For a new thing
With a Bavarian machine
And a few diamond rings...
Hosea 2
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
*Temptation*
The muscles in my back tensed as I looked at her. My mind whirled with all of the possibilities. Should I? Shouldn't I?
What a damn quandary.
She's married.
It's not that serious.
Ol' boy flaked off like pastry a long time ago, unseen in years. But she's vulnerable, emotional and needing.
I just wasn't sure I'd be there in the morning.
The tension created heat that could be measured in Kelvin. I could see the tiny beads of sweat form on her upper lip. I was close enough to die from breathing in her see-oh-two. Her nipples were like caged beast looking to break free of their prison at all costs. She worked at keeping her breath from coming in ragged gasps as her bountiful bosom heaved.
Her pheromonic scent woke the primordial in me.
My manhood strained at its confinement, twitching like it had been hit by downed electrical wires. My fists clinched, revealing the truth about the cool I struggled to maintain. I licked my lips in anticipation, eliciting a gasp from her. She was so close to the edge, a mild breeze would have sent her into an orgasmic abyss.
Struggling to keep her feet now.
Wrestling with my conscience now.
Time stopped...
until we found each others eyes.
I saw into her soul. I saw her past life. I saw her dreams, her needs, her passions...
and her fears.
I closed my eyes.
Exhaled.
And then I...
1 Cor 10:13
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
What a damn quandary.
She's married.
It's not that serious.
Ol' boy flaked off like pastry a long time ago, unseen in years. But she's vulnerable, emotional and needing.
I just wasn't sure I'd be there in the morning.
The tension created heat that could be measured in Kelvin. I could see the tiny beads of sweat form on her upper lip. I was close enough to die from breathing in her see-oh-two. Her nipples were like caged beast looking to break free of their prison at all costs. She worked at keeping her breath from coming in ragged gasps as her bountiful bosom heaved.
Her pheromonic scent woke the primordial in me.
My manhood strained at its confinement, twitching like it had been hit by downed electrical wires. My fists clinched, revealing the truth about the cool I struggled to maintain. I licked my lips in anticipation, eliciting a gasp from her. She was so close to the edge, a mild breeze would have sent her into an orgasmic abyss.
Struggling to keep her feet now.
Wrestling with my conscience now.
Time stopped...
until we found each others eyes.
I saw into her soul. I saw her past life. I saw her dreams, her needs, her passions...
and her fears.
I closed my eyes.
Exhaled.
And then I...
1 Cor 10:13
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Sunday, January 6, 2008
BFF
Your husband is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
A great guy for my best friend
and he was a sight to see.
When he found that I had no one,
he was always the gentle man,
volunteering to do the little things
for which I had no plan.
I understand how you love that man.
He is a beauty to behold.
When I started feeling things,
myself I began to scold.
Placing distance between us,
girl I just had to.
I was losing control of my emotions
the beating of my heart too.
But his sweetness
(and our friendship)
his gentle nature
(and our gossip)
his neo soul ways
(and our manicure trips)
just kept bringing me back.
You argued with him one day (and you do that a lot).
With him you asked me to talk.
He reluctantly ran it down to me,
didn't seem that it was his fault.
He didn't want to talk about it
Your privacy he keeps close
but because you sent me to him,
On my heart he wrote his post.
So long he's been so miserable
Just trying to keep the peace,
trying to make you happy
but going down to defeat.
He broke down in my arms,
cried like babies with stolen candies.
I don't know what was wetter
His face, or my panties.
He tore himself away from me
saying my touch was just not right.
But he appreciated my listening,
Maybe we could talk again another night.
I must confessed I dreamed of him,
elaborate scenarios created.
He took me around the world and back again.
We laughed, we talked, we dated.
But one day you must have pushed him
just a little bit too far.
I happened to be at the mall that day,
saw him sobbing in his car.
This is ridiculous I said,
"Do you want to come to the house?"
He hesitantly agreed.
Once there was quiet as a mouse.
He just looked at me
with pain etched in his face.
I just looked at him
and felt his every ache.
Can't explain what happened next.
It was all just one big blur.
I only know I started it.
In my loins that familiar stir.
He held me as he cried and cried.
I held him as I came and came.
He roared his passionate frustration.
I screamed and yelled his name.
I know that what I've done is wrong
How could I a best friend be?
But your husband is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Exo 20:14
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
that ever happened to me.
A great guy for my best friend
and he was a sight to see.
When he found that I had no one,
he was always the gentle man,
volunteering to do the little things
for which I had no plan.
I understand how you love that man.
He is a beauty to behold.
When I started feeling things,
myself I began to scold.
Placing distance between us,
girl I just had to.
I was losing control of my emotions
the beating of my heart too.
But his sweetness
(and our friendship)
his gentle nature
(and our gossip)
his neo soul ways
(and our manicure trips)
just kept bringing me back.
You argued with him one day (and you do that a lot).
With him you asked me to talk.
He reluctantly ran it down to me,
didn't seem that it was his fault.
He didn't want to talk about it
Your privacy he keeps close
but because you sent me to him,
On my heart he wrote his post.
So long he's been so miserable
Just trying to keep the peace,
trying to make you happy
but going down to defeat.
He broke down in my arms,
cried like babies with stolen candies.
I don't know what was wetter
His face, or my panties.
He tore himself away from me
saying my touch was just not right.
But he appreciated my listening,
Maybe we could talk again another night.
I must confessed I dreamed of him,
elaborate scenarios created.
He took me around the world and back again.
We laughed, we talked, we dated.
But one day you must have pushed him
just a little bit too far.
I happened to be at the mall that day,
saw him sobbing in his car.
This is ridiculous I said,
"Do you want to come to the house?"
He hesitantly agreed.
Once there was quiet as a mouse.
He just looked at me
with pain etched in his face.
I just looked at him
and felt his every ache.
Can't explain what happened next.
It was all just one big blur.
I only know I started it.
In my loins that familiar stir.
He held me as he cried and cried.
I held him as I came and came.
He roared his passionate frustration.
I screamed and yelled his name.
I know that what I've done is wrong
How could I a best friend be?
But your husband is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Exo 20:14
©SojournerG 2008 All rights reserved
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Love
I make my home in the depths of sorrow.
There, at the end of the hall is an open doorway,
beckoning me to run out into the cool sunshiny breeze
to smell the fresh grass and commune with the puffy clouds.
But here I stand, flat footed and immobilized
like a poor pooch chained to a burning building…
unable to move forward, but free to move back.
My shackles, chains and key less bonds are internal…and they hold fast.
I strain in vain.
It’s so dark in here.
Down the opposite hall are raging storms
birthed by angry and overbearing black cumulonimbus dread,
spitting torrents of recycled ancient acid.
They bring with them deafening Father thunder
who rages
as he announces the soul splitting actions of Mother lightning,
illuminating just enough to glimpse the horror left wherever she strikes.
Steaming stench.
Putrid decay.
Hot death.
Every now and then the sun burns through, giving false hopes that I can stay
here,
inside,
and grow my own forest,
in peace.
But only storms live in this place…
down that hall.
Every time I chase the sun back down
that hall,
the first family of destruction and despair come back…
even stronger than before…
and get between me
and the door.
Burning me.
Tearing me.
Reaching into me
and pillaging me.
Hope has become
false hope has become
no hope has become
prison,
the worse prison of all,
the one you can leave
but won’t.
Psa 30:5
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
There, at the end of the hall is an open doorway,
beckoning me to run out into the cool sunshiny breeze
to smell the fresh grass and commune with the puffy clouds.
But here I stand, flat footed and immobilized
like a poor pooch chained to a burning building…
unable to move forward, but free to move back.
My shackles, chains and key less bonds are internal…and they hold fast.
I strain in vain.
It’s so dark in here.
Down the opposite hall are raging storms
birthed by angry and overbearing black cumulonimbus dread,
spitting torrents of recycled ancient acid.
They bring with them deafening Father thunder
who rages
as he announces the soul splitting actions of Mother lightning,
illuminating just enough to glimpse the horror left wherever she strikes.
Steaming stench.
Putrid decay.
Hot death.
Every now and then the sun burns through, giving false hopes that I can stay
here,
inside,
and grow my own forest,
in peace.
But only storms live in this place…
down that hall.
Every time I chase the sun back down
that hall,
the first family of destruction and despair come back…
even stronger than before…
and get between me
and the door.
Burning me.
Tearing me.
Reaching into me
and pillaging me.
Hope has become
false hope has become
no hope has become
prison,
the worse prison of all,
the one you can leave
but won’t.
Psa 30:5
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
Saturday, December 8, 2007
After The "Love"
So there we sat on the edge of the bed...
afterwards...
on opposite sides.
She was looking at the wall. I was looking at the sink.
I kept wanting to be concerned about what was going through her mind, but everything in my upbringing screamed so loudly in my ear.
"What have you done?!"
"Boy you in trouble now!"
"Ima ttttteeellllllll!"
"You gonna git it!"
Why was I back in my childhood?
But through all of this,
God was silent.
I knew what I was doing. I turned heaven's volume down. Who am I kidding? I put Jesus on mute.
"I put Jesus on mute," I think I said aloud.
She was lost in her own thoughts.
I tried to think about the fleshly pleasures so recently experienced, but the three man gang of Grief, Guilt and Fear, leaned on me like the oppressing heat of the Saharan sun.
Grief reminded me that I was not who I thought I was nor who I claimed to be. He caused me to mourn the loss of my character and integrity. Said he talked to God and that He was hurt. I knew Grief was lying...and telling the truth. He convinced me that I no longer deserved life so I gave my joy to him.
Guilt went to work on my heart, causing it to thud sickly in my chest. "You're always telling other people how to live their lives, always giving advice on how to straighten up and fly right. Now you're just like the rest. Hypocrite!" The word stung like a slap in the face with a cold hand. He stabbed my mind with the knife of unworthiness, the ice pick of unrighteousness, and dug into my anemic heart with the dull jagged spoon of uncleaness. He convinced me that I was no longer worthy so I gave my confidence to him.
Fear said nothing at all, but settled in my stomach like a hot metallic ball of grease that would not allow itself to be vomited out...but made me wretch over and over. He fed the thoughts of panic about discovery and started a forest fire of humiliation and embarassment. My whole body trembled at the thought of what could be... because of what was. Without lifting my eyes, I reached deep inwardly and placed my security into his hands.
And there I sat as they circled around me, whispering to me, taunting me, assuring me that they were going nowhere.
Still there I sat, ready to be poured out onto the floor.
No form.
No substance.
No more.
afterwards...
on opposite sides.
She was looking at the wall. I was looking at the sink.
I kept wanting to be concerned about what was going through her mind, but everything in my upbringing screamed so loudly in my ear.
"What have you done?!"
"Boy you in trouble now!"
"Ima ttttteeellllllll!"
"You gonna git it!"
Why was I back in my childhood?
But through all of this,
God was silent.
I knew what I was doing. I turned heaven's volume down. Who am I kidding? I put Jesus on mute.
"I put Jesus on mute," I think I said aloud.
She was lost in her own thoughts.
I tried to think about the fleshly pleasures so recently experienced, but the three man gang of Grief, Guilt and Fear, leaned on me like the oppressing heat of the Saharan sun.
Grief reminded me that I was not who I thought I was nor who I claimed to be. He caused me to mourn the loss of my character and integrity. Said he talked to God and that He was hurt. I knew Grief was lying...and telling the truth. He convinced me that I no longer deserved life so I gave my joy to him.
Guilt went to work on my heart, causing it to thud sickly in my chest. "You're always telling other people how to live their lives, always giving advice on how to straighten up and fly right. Now you're just like the rest. Hypocrite!" The word stung like a slap in the face with a cold hand. He stabbed my mind with the knife of unworthiness, the ice pick of unrighteousness, and dug into my anemic heart with the dull jagged spoon of uncleaness. He convinced me that I was no longer worthy so I gave my confidence to him.
Fear said nothing at all, but settled in my stomach like a hot metallic ball of grease that would not allow itself to be vomited out...but made me wretch over and over. He fed the thoughts of panic about discovery and started a forest fire of humiliation and embarassment. My whole body trembled at the thought of what could be... because of what was. Without lifting my eyes, I reached deep inwardly and placed my security into his hands.
And there I sat as they circled around me, whispering to me, taunting me, assuring me that they were going nowhere.
Still there I sat, ready to be poured out onto the floor.
No form.
No substance.
No more.
Then the phone rang.
Out of habit, I picked it up, connected the call and said,
"H'lo?"
"Hi Honey! Dinner will be ready when you get home and don't forget you're taking the kids to bible study tonight, 'kay?"
"O'kay"
James 1:14, 15
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
Monday, November 26, 2007
Another Day
Today was a beautiful day:
The sun shone so bright
Birds sang in the light
The jams on the radio were tight
Me and ol' girl didn't fight
I asked for a raise, boss said he might
Traffic wasn't too bad, it was aiight
Made it back to the crib before it was night
She was in her negligee, what a sight
Will sleep well tonight
Sho nuff feelin' right.
Today was a horrible day:
He hit me, he hit me again today
Don't seem to be able to stay out of his way
Kids saw the black eye, sent them out to play
I've run out of excuses; things to say
Why am I still here, now for the 9th May?
Don't think I can stand it for another day
I want to get out, I just need a way
Here he comes again, "Father help me" I pray
Today was an interesting day:
Headed to the spot in a gansta lean
Brim down, collar up, tryna look mean
Ready to spit when I make it to the scene
Grab the mic, pull it down start to blow out steam
The crowd starts to sway, I'm on the mic like a fiend
I paused to take a breath and I heard a girl scream
Was gonna rip my shirt but I was lookin too clean
A voice said, "Get to work and stop playin', GENE"
Damn, day dreamin' at the copy machine
Today was a jacked up day:
I was on the run, just hit up that bank
Cops chasin' me down, and weren't shootin' blanks
Made it to the sewer it was cold and dank
Rats everywhere and what is that stank?
Almost drowned if it wudn't for that plank
Floated me down, dropped me off in the river near the bank
Made it free and clear, didn't care I smelled rank
Saw the gun in my face and my hard heart sank
Now here I sit in a 6 x 6 tank
Contemplatin' my future, what you thank?
Today was an emotional day:
'Round 1:30 AM, brought a change to my world
I just witnessed the birth of my first little girl
Skin so perfect, hair all in a curl
Mixed emotions crashed in on me, put my mind in a whirl
What will the future hold for my little Pearl?
The endless possibilities enough to make me hurl
The site of all that blood enough to make my toes curl
But I chilled, maintained, let my thoughts unfurl
Mom didn't survive delivery...what will we do Pearl?
Days come
Days go
All things are possible through Him:
Joy
Deliverance
Blessings
Forgiveness
Comfort
As long as there is
Another Day
Psa 118:24
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
The sun shone so bright
Birds sang in the light
The jams on the radio were tight
Me and ol' girl didn't fight
I asked for a raise, boss said he might
Traffic wasn't too bad, it was aiight
Made it back to the crib before it was night
She was in her negligee, what a sight
Will sleep well tonight
Sho nuff feelin' right.
Today was a horrible day:
He hit me, he hit me again today
Don't seem to be able to stay out of his way
Kids saw the black eye, sent them out to play
I've run out of excuses; things to say
Why am I still here, now for the 9th May?
Don't think I can stand it for another day
I want to get out, I just need a way
Here he comes again, "Father help me" I pray
Today was an interesting day:
Headed to the spot in a gansta lean
Brim down, collar up, tryna look mean
Ready to spit when I make it to the scene
Grab the mic, pull it down start to blow out steam
The crowd starts to sway, I'm on the mic like a fiend
I paused to take a breath and I heard a girl scream
Was gonna rip my shirt but I was lookin too clean
A voice said, "Get to work and stop playin', GENE"
Damn, day dreamin' at the copy machine
Today was a jacked up day:
I was on the run, just hit up that bank
Cops chasin' me down, and weren't shootin' blanks
Made it to the sewer it was cold and dank
Rats everywhere and what is that stank?
Almost drowned if it wudn't for that plank
Floated me down, dropped me off in the river near the bank
Made it free and clear, didn't care I smelled rank
Saw the gun in my face and my hard heart sank
Now here I sit in a 6 x 6 tank
Contemplatin' my future, what you thank?
Today was an emotional day:
'Round 1:30 AM, brought a change to my world
I just witnessed the birth of my first little girl
Skin so perfect, hair all in a curl
Mixed emotions crashed in on me, put my mind in a whirl
What will the future hold for my little Pearl?
The endless possibilities enough to make me hurl
The site of all that blood enough to make my toes curl
But I chilled, maintained, let my thoughts unfurl
Mom didn't survive delivery...what will we do Pearl?
Days come
Days go
All things are possible through Him:
Joy
Deliverance
Blessings
Forgiveness
Comfort
As long as there is
Another Day
Psa 118:24
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Love Suite I: New Love
I want I want I want NEW LOVE, still fresh and vacuum packed in it's wrapper love. I want the anticipation of grabbing the tab, pulling off the bow, unwrapping my new love like a child with birthday dreams.
I wanna gush and grin at the prospect of having it new, having it first, having it only. Yeah big boy toy, new car smell, flat screen high def goodness with kickin' surround sound, dual overhead cams of love, twin turbo thrust that torques me out of my mind, standin' there, layin' there with "aww shucks hyuck."
When she arrives and we start to vibe, listen: I want that crackish love. That love that has me talking about everynothing on the phone til 3:30 AM when I know I got ta get up at 4:30 AM. And when I do get up if I ever get down, I ain't even tired because it's that Red Bull love that she be providin', that Pimp Juice, Rock Star, Jolt, Monster love.
Floatin' through my day wishin' I was lovin' her for pay, wantin' it to be my job I say. Not just my legs but my breath comes in pants and it is rationed at levels inversely proportioned to her...exhales. This love, this breath-less-ness, calls the heart aside and says, "beat like this", it's all heavy and slowquick African tempo with it's comforting annoyance broadcasting from it's northward residence in my throat whenever I think of her, this brand new love. And when I do settle down at night it's her love, this love that is keepin' me awake, robbing me of my chance to dream of her, weave mental futures with her, until the vision of her, the fantasy of her, the essence of her hypnotizes my psyche, bringin my heart into normal sinus rhythm, yeah V-Tach, sound track to my fantareality of...us.
I want us to laugh and talk about the effects of this love, for her to say, "I know your joint but let me tell ya 'bout MY story of love. I'm agonizing over my choice of scent of the day, will it be work or will it be play? I more than usual care about the color I wear wanting to brand your brain with this vision of love. It trips my mind to come to realize that your touches cause giggles, your kisses cause wiggles and your skills cause jiggles. New love, new love, you got ooh, ooh, ooh, OOH love, and I ain't even shame Luv. Because an emotional vacay from this world and this life is what I want with you Love, where cherubs sing, trees bend to give shade and waves lap lovingly at our sand encrusted feet. Heart shaped clouds and tropical breezes fill this bubble that shuts out the universe and locks in the...love, new love, I have for you NEW LOVE."
Yeah that's what I want, mmmm that's what I crave. Can it be a thang between me and you girl?
1 Cor 13:13
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
I wanna gush and grin at the prospect of having it new, having it first, having it only. Yeah big boy toy, new car smell, flat screen high def goodness with kickin' surround sound, dual overhead cams of love, twin turbo thrust that torques me out of my mind, standin' there, layin' there with "aww shucks hyuck."
When she arrives and we start to vibe, listen: I want that crackish love. That love that has me talking about everynothing on the phone til 3:30 AM when I know I got ta get up at 4:30 AM. And when I do get up if I ever get down, I ain't even tired because it's that Red Bull love that she be providin', that Pimp Juice, Rock Star, Jolt, Monster love.
Floatin' through my day wishin' I was lovin' her for pay, wantin' it to be my job I say. Not just my legs but my breath comes in pants and it is rationed at levels inversely proportioned to her...exhales. This love, this breath-less-ness, calls the heart aside and says, "beat like this", it's all heavy and slowquick African tempo with it's comforting annoyance broadcasting from it's northward residence in my throat whenever I think of her, this brand new love. And when I do settle down at night it's her love, this love that is keepin' me awake, robbing me of my chance to dream of her, weave mental futures with her, until the vision of her, the fantasy of her, the essence of her hypnotizes my psyche, bringin my heart into normal sinus rhythm, yeah V-Tach, sound track to my fantareality of...us.
I want us to laugh and talk about the effects of this love, for her to say, "I know your joint but let me tell ya 'bout MY story of love. I'm agonizing over my choice of scent of the day, will it be work or will it be play? I more than usual care about the color I wear wanting to brand your brain with this vision of love. It trips my mind to come to realize that your touches cause giggles, your kisses cause wiggles and your skills cause jiggles. New love, new love, you got ooh, ooh, ooh, OOH love, and I ain't even shame Luv. Because an emotional vacay from this world and this life is what I want with you Love, where cherubs sing, trees bend to give shade and waves lap lovingly at our sand encrusted feet. Heart shaped clouds and tropical breezes fill this bubble that shuts out the universe and locks in the...love, new love, I have for you NEW LOVE."
Yeah that's what I want, mmmm that's what I crave. Can it be a thang between me and you girl?
1 Cor 13:13
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I Love You
"I LOVE YOU"
No wait, let me explain
This is not some trite statement or passing fancy
This is not some idle use of the breath it takes to make the omnipotent word defunct
and devoid of its regal and barely understood meaning
No
I love you with every cell in my physiology
They live, divide into millions and at the appointed time, die, at just the thought of you
Even the foreign invaders, bacteria and viruses though they may be
are held hostage until they recognize and participate in the evidence and substance
of this great cognitive and heartfelt emotion for you
This is no, "I love this flavor of ice cream, that song, this color, or that style on you" type of love
This is the, "It's time to wake up, get up and run up because you've got more devotion to give up" type of love
It's the water to fish type of love
It's the air to birds type of love
It's the melody to the song type of love
Near or far
Vociferous or silent
Caressing or too distant
Funky or perfumed
I breath you
I eat you
I sleep you
And I wake up you
I laugh you
I cry you
I rejoice you
I suffer you
When I say I love you, every other use of the word should be offensive to you
Because compared to this, it is to me
You deserve heart, soul, mind and might
And from my minds heart, my hearts mind, you have them all
You are tattooed on my very being
You own my forever
When I say I love you...
Matt 22:37
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
No wait, let me explain
This is not some trite statement or passing fancy
This is not some idle use of the breath it takes to make the omnipotent word defunct
and devoid of its regal and barely understood meaning
No
I love you with every cell in my physiology
They live, divide into millions and at the appointed time, die, at just the thought of you
Even the foreign invaders, bacteria and viruses though they may be
are held hostage until they recognize and participate in the evidence and substance
of this great cognitive and heartfelt emotion for you
This is no, "I love this flavor of ice cream, that song, this color, or that style on you" type of love
This is the, "It's time to wake up, get up and run up because you've got more devotion to give up" type of love
It's the water to fish type of love
It's the air to birds type of love
It's the melody to the song type of love
Near or far
Vociferous or silent
Caressing or too distant
Funky or perfumed
I breath you
I eat you
I sleep you
And I wake up you
I laugh you
I cry you
I rejoice you
I suffer you
When I say I love you, every other use of the word should be offensive to you
Because compared to this, it is to me
You deserve heart, soul, mind and might
And from my minds heart, my hearts mind, you have them all
You are tattooed on my very being
You own my forever
When I say I love you...
Matt 22:37
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
Monday, October 15, 2007
Blood
"So...do you want to see a picture of the baby?"
He lay lengthwise on the four poster bed, alternating his gaze between the fragrantly undulating smoke tendrils birthed by the small cone of incense on his mahogany night stand, and the cold blue steel of the Glock lying next to it.
"So...do you want to see a picture of the baby?"
By the time he hung up the phone with "K," he had moved way beyond rage and was closing in on conviction. The ghostly dance of the smoke calmed him, made him stop, breathe and think. The gun scared him...reminded him of a lot of bad things...reminded him of things he was still capable of.
It reminded him of one fateful day that changed his life forever...
As "K" had related the phone call, she sobbed dry tears, audibly shaken by the raw emotion caused by years of emotional abuse, disappointment and solitude. This was the proverbial straw that fractured the dromedary's sacroiliac.
"Can you believe he asked me that? Then he had the nerve to ask if I was mad!" she blustered.
She was a 28 year old virgin. She had waited all those years with only God to comfort her and keep her. She was as fiery and passionate as they come and had lots of questions, but would never cross the line.
This guy comes into her life and it's all storybook and fairy tale, for a while.After trying every available option, they found out they couldn't have kids...her, not him. She had survived much worse than being made brutally aware of her maternal limits. Not dwelling, they decided to adopt. The twins dropped into their lives as if they were left on the doorstep. There were no courts, fees or entanglements with the mother. It was never this easy...ever. God was still honoring her years of sacrifice. She even left her promising career to care for their new blessings.
He was alright at first. He didn't turn out to be able to match her concentrated, abstinence derived sexuality, but he was a husband and a friend. He had a good job as a state trooper and things seemed to go well. That is until he ran up on his own brother during a raid. He was never the same after having a shotgun pointed at him by blood.
The cops said he was a liability after that. He couldn't move or think fast enough anymore.
"K's" parents loaned 'em a chunk of change to go into the sod business.He flaked, leaving mom and dad in he lurch and became a truck driver. He promised to pay them back. That put him out on the road for extended periods of time, leaving her alone to raise the kids and take care of the house...until they lost it.
She and the girls had to move in with friends. This was excruciatingly humiliating for such a proud and independent woman. She knew God was still there, but she hated the storm and despised the valley. She had no way of knowing that she would still be in its midst 5 years later.
He got tired of trucking and decided to re-up into the military, moving half a continent away. She did the best she could and eventually found a rental property. To this day, she still has stuff in storage.When things improved (for him), he decided it would be best if she and the girls stayed where they were while he "worked things out." He had grand plans for putting things back right.
Her heart shattered like glass because she knew it was over. The years had taken a toll. Calluses had built themselves around her heart. He had changed
changed
changed
and love slowly seeped away, evaporating into the stratosphere.
Rumors began to circulate amongst his relatives that he had a child while he was out there. She confronted him.
He said it was true.
"I don't see the baby. She won't let me. It was an accident."
"I guess you just tripped and fell into her pussy huh?"
The words burned as they left her lips, and ripped as they left her heart. She felt like Nagasaki after the bomb, knowing that she couldn't biologically produced, knowing that he could...and did, while still married to her. All while she took care of the two they together brought in out of the rain. Now there was just her, while he lived the life.
By now, having lost the rental, she was in a hotel for the 6th month while waiting for a home of her own. Sorrow had never been so deep. At least she had a job. Other than the love of the twins and of God, she had nothing else. Satisfied that it couldn't get any worse, she bore down and muscled through.
Until one day, she found money missing from the account they maintained for household expenses and support of the children.
"She got a lawyer and went after me for child support. It's going to cost me $750 a month." he said.
"You took money from me and my kids to give to your bastard?!?! I got stuff bouncin' all over town and you didn't have the courage to even tell me!?"
"I'll make it up to you. I didn't know what else to do. Just give me some time to work this out. I'll double you up next month.
So...do you want to see a picture of the baby? Are you mad?"
The smoke tendrils were gone, and with them was his calm and reasoning. Only the cold blue steel remained. His conviction was co-forged with that metal. It was that which caused him to pick it up off the night stand. He felt its comforting weight, its old familiarity. His heart rate began to pick up as adrenaline surged through his arteries.
As he rose from his reclining position, stood, slipped on his shirt and tucked the piece into the waist band in the back of his slacks, he determined,
"Nobody messes with my blood..."and walked out the door.
Rom 12:19
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
He lay lengthwise on the four poster bed, alternating his gaze between the fragrantly undulating smoke tendrils birthed by the small cone of incense on his mahogany night stand, and the cold blue steel of the Glock lying next to it.
"So...do you want to see a picture of the baby?"
By the time he hung up the phone with "K," he had moved way beyond rage and was closing in on conviction. The ghostly dance of the smoke calmed him, made him stop, breathe and think. The gun scared him...reminded him of a lot of bad things...reminded him of things he was still capable of.
It reminded him of one fateful day that changed his life forever...
As "K" had related the phone call, she sobbed dry tears, audibly shaken by the raw emotion caused by years of emotional abuse, disappointment and solitude. This was the proverbial straw that fractured the dromedary's sacroiliac.
"Can you believe he asked me that? Then he had the nerve to ask if I was mad!" she blustered.
She was a 28 year old virgin. She had waited all those years with only God to comfort her and keep her. She was as fiery and passionate as they come and had lots of questions, but would never cross the line.
This guy comes into her life and it's all storybook and fairy tale, for a while.After trying every available option, they found out they couldn't have kids...her, not him. She had survived much worse than being made brutally aware of her maternal limits. Not dwelling, they decided to adopt. The twins dropped into their lives as if they were left on the doorstep. There were no courts, fees or entanglements with the mother. It was never this easy...ever. God was still honoring her years of sacrifice. She even left her promising career to care for their new blessings.
He was alright at first. He didn't turn out to be able to match her concentrated, abstinence derived sexuality, but he was a husband and a friend. He had a good job as a state trooper and things seemed to go well. That is until he ran up on his own brother during a raid. He was never the same after having a shotgun pointed at him by blood.
The cops said he was a liability after that. He couldn't move or think fast enough anymore.
"K's" parents loaned 'em a chunk of change to go into the sod business.He flaked, leaving mom and dad in he lurch and became a truck driver. He promised to pay them back. That put him out on the road for extended periods of time, leaving her alone to raise the kids and take care of the house...until they lost it.
She and the girls had to move in with friends. This was excruciatingly humiliating for such a proud and independent woman. She knew God was still there, but she hated the storm and despised the valley. She had no way of knowing that she would still be in its midst 5 years later.
He got tired of trucking and decided to re-up into the military, moving half a continent away. She did the best she could and eventually found a rental property. To this day, she still has stuff in storage.When things improved (for him), he decided it would be best if she and the girls stayed where they were while he "worked things out." He had grand plans for putting things back right.
Her heart shattered like glass because she knew it was over. The years had taken a toll. Calluses had built themselves around her heart. He had changed
changed
changed
and love slowly seeped away, evaporating into the stratosphere.
Rumors began to circulate amongst his relatives that he had a child while he was out there. She confronted him.
He said it was true.
"I don't see the baby. She won't let me. It was an accident."
"I guess you just tripped and fell into her pussy huh?"
The words burned as they left her lips, and ripped as they left her heart. She felt like Nagasaki after the bomb, knowing that she couldn't biologically produced, knowing that he could...and did, while still married to her. All while she took care of the two they together brought in out of the rain. Now there was just her, while he lived the life.
By now, having lost the rental, she was in a hotel for the 6th month while waiting for a home of her own. Sorrow had never been so deep. At least she had a job. Other than the love of the twins and of God, she had nothing else. Satisfied that it couldn't get any worse, she bore down and muscled through.
Until one day, she found money missing from the account they maintained for household expenses and support of the children.
"She got a lawyer and went after me for child support. It's going to cost me $750 a month." he said.
"You took money from me and my kids to give to your bastard?!?! I got stuff bouncin' all over town and you didn't have the courage to even tell me!?"
"I'll make it up to you. I didn't know what else to do. Just give me some time to work this out. I'll double you up next month.
So...do you want to see a picture of the baby? Are you mad?"
The smoke tendrils were gone, and with them was his calm and reasoning. Only the cold blue steel remained. His conviction was co-forged with that metal. It was that which caused him to pick it up off the night stand. He felt its comforting weight, its old familiarity. His heart rate began to pick up as adrenaline surged through his arteries.
As he rose from his reclining position, stood, slipped on his shirt and tucked the piece into the waist band in the back of his slacks, he determined,
"Nobody messes with my blood..."and walked out the door.
Rom 12:19
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved
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